8 Tips And A Bonus

If I were a betting man I wouldn’t bet on so called “mental illness”. It sounds like a losing proposition from start to finish. Okay, you may be asking, what brought this on? Well, there’s this article in the Boston Globe, of all places, entitled,  8 tips for living with mental illness in college.

Uh, living with a “mental illness”? Why would I want to do a crazy thing like that? Aren’t there enough bitches in the world as is?

Number uno is ‘do your research’, but I think that’s funny. You don’t know how phony baloney so much of this research is, nor how pathetic the statistics look. Anyway, usually this means look there, but don’t look there. Our watchdogs we persecute. Biological medical model is the bias, and that means our researchers are mainly interested in drug development. We’re not dealing with people so much, we’re dealing with biological defectives, mutants. There’s a difference. People, having taken hundreds of thousands of years to evolve into what they are, don’t need chemical readjustments so much.

‘Understand policy’ is number two. This is the biggest reason you can imagine not to wrangle a pet “mental illness”. Why? Look at the examples. ‘Privacy and confidentiality’. Alright. A pet “mental illness” gives roommates the right to spy on you, monitor your behavior, and report you to the authorities if your pet acts up. Next…’leave of absences’. Should you need a break, it’s gonna help to plead a pet “mental illness”? I don’t think so. ‘Processes for responding to psychiatric crises’.  Automatically I’m seeing revolving red and blue lights on top of a patrol car. He’s got his handcuffs out if you “need” ’em.

Next comes ‘a support network’. This is a plus minus sort of thing. Sure, people support each other. People also call the cops. Be positive and imagine them calling the cops on somebody elses pet “mental illness”.

Four, you ‘set goals for yourself’, perhaps ‘hire a life coach’. Ouch! Like college isn’t about setting goals. Two sets of goals aren’t going to decrease the challenge, and hiring a life coach, on top of today’s tuition! How long do we have to pay this off? There comes a point two or three tips ago, when I consider silence and secrecy a better avenue than true confessions, especially when those confessions are going to be bullied and cajoled out of one.

Five is about ‘creating structure’, but that’s only common sense, especially if you want to get through college.

Six is a humdinger. Rat on yourself. You got a pet “mental illness”, don’t you? Let your pet “mental illness” out of the bag. You also might consider carrying a gun just in case  you need to kill yourself after your pet “mental illness” spilled its guts, and ruined your life. The biggest baddest and most dangerous cop of all can be the cop within.

Seven is dope. Some people take seven different kinds of ’em. This is legal dope so folks assume it is okay.  If it kills you 25 years early, well, that’s acceptable trade-off for keeping your pet “mental illness” under wraps. Pet “mental illnesses” are temperamental, and it takes dope to manage them. Pet “mental illnesses” feed on heavy duty  horse tranquilizers. Sometimes it’s impossible to tell them apart, that is, drug effects from ‘disease symptoms’. Without the pills you take your poor “mental illness” might actually starve to death, and we couldn’t have that, now could we?

Finally ‘take care of your health’ because “mental patients” are dying off early at an incredibly high rate. The authorities are blaming the pet, but we know, we know, the pills have a lot to do with it. You just try taking care of yourself when you’re zonked out of your frigging mind sometime, and see how well you do? Doctors are dense though, and they don’t tend to grasp these things.

I came up with a ninth tip that I think has all the others beat. Unleash your pet “mental illness”, and send it back to the wild. Free it, and if you can’t free it, give it away. There are plenty of people out there wanting a pet “mental illness”. If there weren’t, they wouldn’t proliferate so. You don’t need a “mental illness”, believe me. It will only drag you down. The difference between having and not having is perched on the tip of your tongue right now. Be careful, and “stable” your pet, by sending it away. “Mental illnesses” are like wars. Ugh. Who needs ’em!

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4 Responses

  1. 1. Do your research. Find out what to stay away from. Whatever you do do don’t go anywhere near medical or counselling services.

    2. Understand policies. Take time to figure out what you can get away with.

    3. Create a support network by joining a gang. Look for clubs that are into biking, camping, shooting and drinking.

    4. Set goals. Identify specific goals such as bigger calves or biceps to achieve during college.

    5. Create structure. Establish a routine. Legs, back and biceps Monday and Thursday. Chest, delts and triceps Tuesday and Friday.

    6. Think about disclosure. Don’t tell anyone you’re a nut bag because you’ll soon find out that most people are at least as crazy as you are. You’ll just look like fool if you’ve told people you’re a nut and can’t think of anything crazy to do.

    7. Understand drugs. Don’t drink more than 20 beers if there’s something you want to do the next day. Don’t drive drunk.

    8. Take care of your health. Keep a bottle of water and a bag of trail mix in your backpack. Also a pillow. If you get sleepy during the day or in class you can probably find somewhere to lie down.

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